i hate gay parties at BU.
question of the week: how can i be bad ass and sexy and seduce someone who i get all nervous and giggly around?
question of the semester: can you truly strip yourself of your normal patterns in thought, emotion, and behavior to be able to rest in utter neutrality? that's what my acting professors are asking of me. they want me to explore myself through self-observation in EVERYTHING-- gesticulations, physcalities, emotion, and thought--to be able to get rid of all that and the judges that come with that, and revert to neutrality. The place we were at as children, before the awkard social world got a hold of us. i remember a time when i could sit, perfectly comfortably, on the wooden floor of the children's theater workshop building. i remember a time when i could say or do anything i wanted; each and every movement my body made was in earnest and unaltered by what we "should or shouldn't do". Through those hellish years of adolescence in middle school, we were forced to stifle our bodies and constrict them to "normal" ways of moving walking, sitting, and standing. Sit with your legs closed or crossed. sit up straight. shoulders back. don't be so loud. stop. relax. be quiet. so now we all stand with one knee bent resting on the oppisite hip, our arms crossed around our chests and our face in constant smile. We shake hands (but not too hard and for godsake not too long), we force laughs and smiles, we ask questions without really caring about the response. how are you? what's up? how's it going? fine. nothing. good. if someone were to answer I'M A TOTAL FUCKING MESS, or IT'S GOING REALLY HORRIBLY, or I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND, I HAVE THE RUNS, I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS POST-NASAL DRIP, I HAVE TO PEE, AND I FEEL LIKE THE WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN, the questioner would be confused, stunned, embarassed, and feel out of place. We never say what we mean. no, no, instead we avoid eye-contact as we spout our little white lies, make sure we look presentable, and walk away, the same person we were before the encounter.
HAVING SAID THAT, the next task at hand is to notice all of that, take it into account, without judging it. THEN, we get rid of those behaviors and go into a state of neutrality. THEN we explore the different types of people we could surge into from neutral, their patterns of behavior, their awkwardness, their questions and responses, their social and private lives, the layers of emotion and history that make who they are.
SO, IN ESSENCE, we are getting rid of our bad habits to take on other peoples'. acting 101.
HAHAHA look at marcia's face....oh, mary jane.
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