"i told her to make the DUCK! you enjoyed the DUCK because i requested the DUCK! it's my DUCK!"

"well, great duck, grandma. kudos on the DUCK."

i am so tired of CFA politics. enough already people i mean come on now.

suckin on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like blondie check out my krissie behind it's fine all of the time like sex on the beaches what else is in the teaches of peaches? uhhh whaaaatt...IUD, SIS, STAY IN SCHOOL, CUZ IT'S THE BEST.fuck the pain away. fuck the pain away. fuck the pain away. fuck the pain away.

FANNY.

blah blah blah. live journal's are LAME. we're all so self-indulgent. i hate theatre people.

today i woke up at 7 o' clock in the morning, next to someone else. i finally dragged my ass out of bed at around 7:15, took a shower, and was out at about 7:35. then i got dressed, didn't blow dry my hair, and went to a three hour ballet class. we didn't really learning anything new, except how to think up and tall as we kick, instead of collapsing on our spine. i also learned that i need to keep my tail bone connected with the floor as i pie. i dont even know how to spell pliee.

before movement, i was visited by an old annoyance whom i wish would dissapear. question: is whom the correct word to use in this situation? or is it WHO? i dont know. at any rate, i wish this pesky person would fuck off and die. the end.

so i was in a decent mood, and after movement was hurdled into dramatic literature for an hour and a half of bran-bleeding-boredom. but not before a quick cigarette and a chat with JRich and julie. good times. so then i collapsed in drama lit, ignoring sid and all the stupd and so frustratingly important gabble that spilled out of his mouth. i almost fell asleep but julie kept making me explain my percarious morning situation in note-form, which takes so much longer than actual conversation. but you cant really talk about this kind of stuff in the left-hand corner of the front row of a lecture class now can you?

after sid's, julie and i went to the GSU (our student union) and had some lunch. i had tortellini and chicken soup, with a piece of bread. it was descent, i guess. nick surprised julie and i as we were walking from cfa to the gsu, but met up with jamie shortly thereafter. they went and visited tony, then decided to get jen and meet up with us. we walked to the park and played with ted bash, since we had an hour until class and our teacher wasn't going to even be there anyway. i decided it wasnt a big deal to waste my life away. i am just so damn good at making mistakes.

because see, here's my problem. i am too impatient, i have no self-control, and i am impulsive. three really bad ingredients to put into the mix of a "with freedom comes respobsability" lifestyle at college. a FUNDED freedom/responsable lifestyle, i might add.

i dont know how my parents believe in me. i am going to theatre school for chrissake, and i cant even pull a semi-descent grade in one of my only lecture classes. i got a D. (on the plus side, i did get a B+ in my writing course last semester). the point is, i have missed four out of the acceptable 3 absences for dramatic literature, so i cannot afford to miss any others. and this within the first three weeks of the second semester.

being back at CFA and watching all the senior thesis's just makes me doubt myself more so every day. how do i know i am any good? will ANYBODY ever tell me the truth about my supposed acting skills? even teachers i trust to be honest and candid as much as it might hurt aren't giving me what i need. what do i need? alone time. i am so happy alone.

this is miraculous. for the first time since jordan, i can honestly say that i am very, very happy being single. i have longed for "love" for so long, and gotten bits and pieces of real relationships here and there, but nothing over-the-moon-like. i've had some pretty nice kissing sessions, a couple good orgasms, and some amusing pillow-talk...but nothing really out of this WORLD (to quote my father). but that's okay. i've been in love once. i have never been in a real, "in-love" relationship before. no one has ever loved me back. (and by no one i mean jordan, of course.) i seem to have this uncanny ability to pick out the really narsacistic, manipulative people out of the bunch and allow them to reel me in to a jungle of games and tactics for total control. i hate the games, and it's time for them to fucking stop.

so i say, the fuck with it. i have had sex with 1 man and 10 women, some of which i am ashamed of. but hey, we all make mistakes, right?? right. and its not because of the "ass," because it usually turns out to be pretty unsatisfactory. its because of the energy of each building interaction, each moment, the feelings and the thoughts. everything intertwined into some big human social mess, masquarading as intimacy.  and then i feel disgusting and cheap and gross but...sometimes i get over it. i will get over it. not that i am advocating against sex, not at all, i love having sex...its just really something when it actually has meaning.

see, the problem is, i keep settling. but who am i settling for? why am i in such a hurry? it is an amazing feeling to finally know that i can make it on my own two feet, and have fun and act and write and draw and play with my friends. to know that the "real kind of TRUE love" everyone seems so adamit about professing isnt something we only experience once. and it isnt something we can look for. and it isnt something i NEED. thank the lord, it isnt something i need.

today i could have done couplish things with my morning buddy. but i didnt really want to. truth be told, all i wanted to do was get high, go to class, smoke some cigarettes and go to dinner. then maybe i would watch some TV. american idol. then back to warren. and thats just it. thats just me. the end. nothing missing, no second half of any heart or soul or whatever to be found.

i want to be left alone. i need people to stop trying to get to know my through my sexuality. i dont want you to pretend to flirt with me even if it's just a little bit real, i dont want any valentine's bullshit candy or flowers or conversation hearts, i just want to be me and be happy. and i am happy. theres shit in the past and theres shit to come in the future, and i'm just not ready yet. its all right here. on the inside somewhere. 

what now, BITCH?

what are live journals all about, anyway? i dont know. i'm feeling fine. i gotta wonder though, who would want to read my random, stupid thoughts? why are people even interested in stuff like this? why do i think i need a place to write my thoughts so others can read them?

it's like we're all searching for something.

"what an adventure, gang. oh, what--buster, don't. do. that... oh, what an adventure. I thought the homosexuals were pirates, but it turns out, most of them were just actors in the loceal theAtre...hahaa...you're right though, it IS amazing, i've been waiting for the universe to provide a path for me. and i think...it has..."

"you're gay."

"no, lyndsay, no, i'm not gay. how many times must we have this conv-- no. i want to beee an actor!"

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

today was SUCH a good fuckin day.

today is sunday. sundays are so annoying because you know you have 9 am class the next day, and there's nothing to do but reminisce about those great weekend times when you could sleep till four on saturday and then go out and party. sundays MAKE you look back. on how drunk you were. on how drunk so and so was. on how annoying so and so gets when they smoke. blah, blah, blah. the truth is, unless you wake up next to someone you met at a party, sundays are pretty boring. although, waking up next to someone can be really akward, which then in turn cancels out the boring because i'd rather be bored than trying to get some chick out of my room.

last night, i went to the first CFA party of the new semester. it was great, as most CFA parties usually are. they are just so entertaining. like this one time, some girl decided she wanted to throw fire. at a party. only cfa.

on another note, i have been dealing with some shit that was recently brought to my attention by my good friend julie weiman. what a pal. she helped me understand stuff about this one person that made everything really clear in our past relationship. the thing is, the shit she made me realize was not positive, but rather negative stuff she had noticed and i had been completely oblivious to. it sucks to finally have your naive little eyes pealed brutally open. it feels like the basis of your whole world is falling apart. first  you go into denial. "no, that person isn't like that. never." then you finally ooze into your revelation. and it hurts, it always does.

so, i'm off to the alcolve with some very special friends. you know, i like life. i really do.